ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
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Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
My support group can outdrink your support group.
Doctor’s office: We need to reschedule your June 10 physical, next available is July 20th.
Me: Sorry, I will be out of town
Office: (irritated) Well, are there any days you ARE available?
Me: I’m free June 10.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’