“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?