I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
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Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.