Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
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can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right