Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
You Might Also Like
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Get in loser we’re going crying
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.