cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
You Might Also Like
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”