[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
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*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
peeping toms
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
*seductively eats two tums*
his wife is probably gonna see that