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For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
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Morningbreath
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Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it