People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
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Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
what the
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
My flabber has been gasted.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Roses are red, you always mattered,
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Batman v Dracula
remember
only for emergencies
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down