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Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again