If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
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MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
bears
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.