I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.