*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
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Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
This is the best one I’ve seen
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.