Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
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Some of y’all tomorrow …
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.