Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
i choose….tongue
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!