First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛