I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
She was REALLY feeling it.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’