Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
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[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.