[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
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Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
it’s either covid or clever vampires
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.