“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
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Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
sliding into dms like
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star