ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
whatcha thinkin bout
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.