Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
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I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?