*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
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In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too