A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
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I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
File under excellent bookstore names.
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.