I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
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Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE