After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
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Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
“what that mouth do?” complain
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
How to wake up a Beagle
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night