If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
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Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.