If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
😂💯
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!