People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
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Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Forever 21… pounds overweight
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop