[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
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Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’m calling the cops.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito