The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
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This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
thanksgiving should be called feaster
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40