I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
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People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
That’s amazing.
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.