The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
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[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Saw a billboard that said “anxiety? Paranoia? It could be meth.” And it’s like oh my God I’ve been on meth this whole time.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
This is Sparta
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*