Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
You Might Also Like
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.