I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Traveler’s camo
My hips? Compulsive liars.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.