All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
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Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Doctors texting each other.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.