I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
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Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
“I’m helping” 😅
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Does your wife know you’re single?
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
I am also baked goods
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss