I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
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When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses