If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man