me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
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*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
This meal prepping shit is easy
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.