When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
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Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
My typo game is string.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop