HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
You Might Also Like
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
spicy snake
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.