Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
PLOT TWIST:
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.