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*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
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🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
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⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
This took me a second..
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.