Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
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Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips