cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
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The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Me trying to walk in a dream
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.