dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
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cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
This story is comedy gold 😂
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go