bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
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Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Why do infants wake up crying as if they are the ones who have to go out and work!?
my mind
You just read my mind
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them