My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
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Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
THIS HEADLINE
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words