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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..